Who I've Become
by Shunkaku Bu
Summary: A romance story between Rogue and Logan.


**Who I've Become**

Part One: What I'm Thankful For

*What ah'm thankful for...* The professor had her begin this odd mantra to help after she had a catastrophic break after the incident on Liberty Island. Now, she did it to keep her from going back to that. *This isolation room...music...rainy days...blah, blah, blah.* She stared at the ceiling. *Things ah'm not thankful for...this isolation room...not being able to get these memories out of mah head...not being able to...* Rogue got up and pulled her robe before heading down to the kitchen. The one good thing about having access to Logan's memories was that she now knew where he kept his beer. After carefully removing a bottle from the back of his stash, she snuck back to her room.

When it was half-gone she laid back down. While it was nice to have a place to herself, she didn't like the reason behind it. Originally, it hadn't been that bad and the other girls teased her about having wet dreams. It was embarrassing, but they three of them kept it between them. Xavier learned about this, but in a strange turn of events found he could no longer read her mind. She was grateful for this due to who it involved. Things went quiet for a while and she was thankful. The next time, the last time, however, she had woken up her roommates as she had an unfortunate memory of being impaled by Logan. If that wasn't horrible enough, she had manifested claws and immediately relived the event. Rogue spent the rest of the night in the infirmary, but with the claws seemed to have came the regeneration abilities. It was agreed to by all that life would be much simpler if she had her own room.

*Things ah'm thankful for...being an alcohol lightweight...having mah own room...not having the professor in mah head...*

"I thought it was you."

"Oh." She didn't sit up or even seem surprised that he was there.

"You shouldn't be drinking."

"What do you want to talk about? Ah'm tired."

He laughed half-heartedly and sat on the end of the bed. "Come on, kid, there's better ways of dealing with things then-"

"It helps. Ah don't remember the nightmares when ah do this. Ah'll pay you back."

"That's not why I came in here."

She sat up and looked at him. "Then why are you here?"

"You need to stop isolating yourself. You haven't been doing anything but the bare minimal in everything around here. Before-"

"Before, ah wasn't out of control. Ah can't even sleep now...well, normally," she added as she grabbed the bottle and took a drink. He then took it from her. "Ah never thought ah'd be getting a lecture from you about drinking and nightmares."

Logan had to suppress a smile at this and downed the rest of the beer. "If you had talked to anyone else about, I wouldn't be bothering you. But you seem to have a problem with authority."

"It figures the professor would have kept it on the down-low...he can't read mah mind anymore." She smiled a real smile, then sighed. "It's not that important."

"Yeah, right. C'mon kid, tell me the truth."

"It means he can't help me anymore. We'd have to find an even more powerful telepath to try to help. Ah can't suppress my power or any of the memories ah absorbed, so ah'm pretty much out of luck. Maybe ah-"

"Don't even think about leaving." Logan stood up. "Tomorrow, we talk about it or you talk to one of the others, got it?"

She flopped down on the bed. "Fine!"

"And stop stealing my beer." When the girl moaned, he added, "Just let me know if the nightmares get that bad."

"Okay..."

"Good night."

"Good night, Logan." He turned off the light and shut the door behind him. *Things ah'm truly thankful for...music...this place...and friends like Logan.*

Part Two: Personalities & Playlists

Rogue often thought that her mp3 player was a personal savior, especially on days when she wasn't feeling quite like herself. The music gave her a strange control over the memories and personalities that were present, but sometimes dormant in her mind. When it came to Magneto, he was easily curtailed with classical or operatic music. Dealing with the personalities of David, Bobby, and John was a different matter as only the recent rock hits would shut them up. Though it seemed odd, she also felt that she had to suppress Marie, the girl she had been before her powers manifested who was only sated with sweet and sentimental songs. She made sure no one heard her music on days like that. Then there was Logan. He was not a simple guy, even when it came to memories and she had four separate lists to deal with him. Though she didn't confide this to anyone, it still made her feel better.

One day, however, she had skipped classes due to an inexplicable bad mood and spent the day trying to get herself balanced. Her fellows students avoided her, a little afraid of what might happen to them, and most of the teachers were too preoccupied with their classes to worry about one student. On the other hand, Logan was overly concerned with her extreme shifts in personalities. He knocked on her door three separate times and when he received no answer he let himself in. Rogue lay sleeping on her bed, music blasting through the tiny earbuds. *She's going to go deaf,* he thought. As he grabbed the player to turn it off he noticed the names on her playlists. *Magneto, the Exes, A Problem Like Marie, James, Experiment, Wolverine, and Logan...what the-* He made sure the music was low and resumed the music. Currently playing was a country song called "Whiskey Lullaby", which she had once said was one she couldn't stand. *Rogue, what's going on with you?*

"Hey, that's mine."

"You're gonna lose your hearing blasting it like that." He tossed the player back to her.

"It's what works."

"You haven't talked to anyone, have you?"

She groaned and shook her head. "It's not like anyone's really gonna understand what it's like to have someone else in their head. Ah stopped with the beer..." *Mostly,* she added silently.

"Rogue...you left the bottle in your drawer open."

*Shit!* "At least ah'm not stealing your beer anymore."

He sat down next to her. "You start now and it just gets worse."

"Ah know..." Then she realized what was playing and turned off the music. "Ah don't wanna talk about this."

"Fine. Do you wanna tell me who James is?" Logan had never seen her face turn so red so fast. "Rogue?"

She quickly handed him the bottles from her drawer and closet without meeting his eyes. "That's all ah have, ah swear. Um, ah have studying to do so-"

He let her push him into the hallway and heard the door lock behind him. *So, Rogue has a crush on a guy named James...this should be interesting.*

She listened as he left, making sure that he was completely gone before breaking down into sobs against her door. *Dammit, dammit, dammit! No one's supposed to even know about James...especially not Logan. Ah just can't explain it to anyone.* After a little while her tears stopped and she went to take a bath. James' memories came out in full force and Rogue wished she hadn't been so quick to give up her stash.

When she returned from a field trip that would have rather not been on she knew that someone had been in her room. More specifically, Logan had been in her room making sure that she didn't have anymore contraband and trying to figure out who James was. *Good thing ah'm not the diary type...or the mind-readily-read-by-psychic type...* That made her giggle, then burst out laughing. It had been a long time since she had laughed this hard and she ended up resting her forehead on the cool window. *Ah'm not that type at-* Rogue cut herself off when she looked outside. "Oh," she managed to say out loud. She observed the scene, then watched the sun set before going down to raid Logan's liquor cabinet again.

Part Three: Sometimes It Takes Something Stronger

When he saw that his bottle of whiskey was gone he was pissed and knew exactly where it was. "Rogue, open up!" He banged on her door.

"It's open."

"Girl-" Logan hesitated when he actually saw her. "What happened?"

He closed the door and sat next to her.

"Not much. Here," she said as she handed him the bottle, "ah thought ah would need this, but ah really don't feel as bad as ah should."

"What happened?" It was clear that she trying incredibly hard not to cry despite what she had said. He put his arm around her and pulled her close. She cried for a long time as he stroked her hair, just letting her take her time. However, Logan did take the time to open the whiskey and take a shot. Rogue finally sat up and took a big drink. "Feel better?"

"Yeah. Sorry 'bout that."

"It's alright." She then told him what had happened and why she had just spent the last fifteen minutes crying. *That little...* He tensed and she felt it. "You handled it better than most people would."

"Ah know...it's not even that he did it. Ah just expected him to get bored and break it off, but he didn't." She shook her head, then took another drink. "It's just so stupid. Still, don't try to kill him; ah don't think we'd wanna explain why to the professor." He snorted at that and reached for the bottle. Rogue took a another long swallow, leaving the bottle half-empty.

"You're gonna have a headache in the morning."

She smiled a mischievous smile. "Ah know, but ah don't care. Ah don't have anything to deal with tomorrow unless you have a problem with it."

"As long as you don't throw up on me, we're good." He took the bottle, but didn't take a drink. Logan sensed the change in her-her heartbeat, her scent-that he wanted to attribute to the alcohol. "Rogue?" With a quickness that envied his own, the girl moved against him and pressed her lips to his. He was ready to push away when he felt the pull of her power, but it never came. As she continued to kiss him, she removed her gloves and pushed her hands under his shirt. "Ah..."

"What?"

"Your hands are cold." He took her hands and placed them on her lap. "We can't do this," he breathed heavily.

"Why not?"

"You've been drinking...and you'll-"

"Ah won't. Ah can't."

He brushed his rough hand against her cheek. "Rogue-"

"Don't call me that...you know what you should call me." She was still close, still letting her cool, soft fingers caress his skin. "You know what you want to call me."

Logan got up and headed for the door. She didn't protest or beg; no, the girl took the bottle and leaned back on the bed. He touched the doorknob, then clicked the lock before shutting off the lights. Each touch, each kiss, surprised him especially the chill her soft skin caused in him. "Marie," he said softly. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Part Four: What Happens, Happens

She had a major headache and groaned. *Whiskey isn't mah thing.* Rogue shivered and reached to pull up the covers when she realized: a) she was naked, b) she wasn't alone, and c) she remembered exactly what happened last night. A blush rushed up her entire body, making her make a break for her clothes. However, she felt his arm clamp around her waist. *He's touching me...* She squeezed her eyes shut and searched her mind for the moment she had felt the change, that she knew what she could actually do. *Oh mah god...ah can control it!*

"Hey, you're finally warm," he whispered, stroking her hair. She began blushing again and he laughed. "I'm just teasing, Marie."

"Ah know." *Ah just completely messed up,* she thought. "It's early."

"Yeah. I'm gonna go soon." He kissed the top of her head, then sighed. "You know they're gonna talk."

"Yeah, of course. And ah bet ah know who would talk the loudest."

He knew exactly who she was talking about. "Teacher's pet."

"Ugh." She could just imagine herself having that nickname now that they were...whatever they were. "Don't ever say that again."

"I wasn't...look at me, Marie." He smiled when he saw her green eyes sparkle. "Nobody is going to be talkin' about this unless we want them to, okay?"

"Okay..." She kissed him, then said, "You'd better go."

"I will, but first..." He gently pushed her down and kissed her. It was going to be a long day.

It had been over a month since their night together and they had kept it quiet. They didn't even spend more time with each other than normal. It was a nice, though slightly painful status quo for Rogue especially after Bobby and Kitty finally had an open relationship. Still, they'd find time to meet after nearly everyone was asleep and usually watch a movie in complete silence. It was usually some movie that wouldn't interest anyone else which gave them the opportunity to exchange slight touches and quick kisses. "Hey, Marie," he said as he tried to wake her up.

"Um...Logan-" She sat up suddenly and looked around. "Ah fell asleep again," she sighed and leaned against him again. "Sorry, ah've just..."

He touched her forehead, then sniffed her. "You do smell different."

"Ah feel different...and tired..." Rogue stole a quick kiss from him and got up. "Ah'll feel better tomorrow. Good night."

"Good night, darlin'."

She felt like a complete and utter idiot. When they went out shopping to get their basic hygiene items, Rogue realized she might be pregnant. She managed to sneak away from the others and managed to buy a pregnancy test. Keeping it concealed was troublesome, but she somehow managed. *Please. please, please...oh, hell.* She stared at the positive result for awhile, then went about planning for the event. After a few days, she had a fake id and background so she could get a job without having who she really was revealed. She waited another month so she could have some money saved up. Rogue left without a word to anyone and disappeared into the night.

Part Five: The Things I've Learned

The day after he found that Rogue was gone, he went to the professor, asking if he could find her. Xavier had tried, but the enigmatic nature of her power was developing un unforeseen ways that made her impossible to find even with Cerebro. Then he had asked if Logan knew why she had left. He told the professor the truth, then had left to find her.

Three weeks later and he still hadn't found her. He had been here in Laughlin City for four days, expecting to see her walk in as she had years ago. Soon he'd have to move on, try one of the other places he thought she'd go. Logan was in the middle of a fight when he caught the faint scent of her in the bar. He quickly ended the fight and went to find her. It was clear that Rogue had left when she realized that he was here. *She couldn't have gotten far,* he thought as he revved the motorcycle as the snow began to fall. Less than a mile from the bar he found her. "Marie!"

Her heart nearly stopped. *Shit.*

"Come on, you can't stay out here."

"How did you even..." She shook her head, but moved closer to him. "Why did come here?"

"To find you. I'm not leaving you here, so hop on."

"Ah'm not going back to the school."

He sighed. "That's not why I'm here, Marie. I just want-" *You, that's all I want.* Logan smiled. "I want you to come with me."

"You know that it's not gonna be easy...not at all." However, she took the second helmet from him and put it on. "Logan?"

"Yeah, darlin'?"

"We have a lot to talk about," she finally managed.

"All right." He waited until her arms were secure around his waist before heading off.

She heard him call the Institute while she was in the shower. His end of the conversation was basically monosyllabic, the simplest answers he could give the professor. She glad that she hadn't immediately told him that she was pregnant; she didn't want that news back at the Institute so soon. He hung up the phone and came into the bathroom. "You alright in there?"

"Yeah, ah'm almost-" She gasped when he wrapped his arms around her waist. "You have a nice chat?"

"Just checkin' in. I wasn't the only one worried about you." She turned around and pulled him into a kiss. "Don't ever do this to me again."

"Oh, you were worried?"

"Marie..." When she kissed him again, he was gone.

He laid awake, stroking her shoulders through the shirt she insisted on wearing. She still hadn't explained why she had left, but he didn't want to wake her up. It was clear that she hadn't been traveling under the best conditions and he needed to make sure she was rested before pushing her to talk. *Oh, Marie, what happened back there?* She suddenly sat up and made a mad dash to the bathroom. "Marie?"

"Ah'm alright," came her muffled voice.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah..." However, it didn't seem too convincing when she threw up again. *Ugh, no time like the present...*

"Marie, what's wrong?"

"Ah'll be out in a minute, then ah'll tell you. Okay?"

"Okay." He heard her brush her teeth and sat on the end of the bed. "You had me scared," he said as when she walked out.

"Sorry. Ah was just..." She sat down next to him. "The reason that ah left the Institute was because it...ah didn't think they needed anymore trouble."

"What trouble? You and me?" He put an arm around her. "That-"

"You're a teacher, sort of, and ah was a student...and ah ended up pregnant."

"Pregnant? Marie, what..." He placed a hand on her belly. "Do you realize what could've happened to you out there?"

"Ah know...but ah was afraid."

"You don't have to be." He just held her, trying to wrap his mind around the thought of being a father.

Part Six: Snow Angel

After she had told him about the baby, she told him about her memories of James, of his life before the X-Men, and waited for him to speak. Logan kissed her and told her to rest. The girl didn't sleep much that night, completely afraid that he wouldn't come back. She finally gave into sleep near dawn and when she awoke he was sitting beside her. "Hey."

"Mornin'. Feelin' better?"

"Yeah...how about you? Do you remember anything?"

He sighed. "No...but now I know why you wouldn't talk to me about James."

"It's been weird...weirder than usual. Ah'm sorry ah didn't tell you sooner, it's just that ah...ah don't know anymore."

He moved onto the bed and laid down next to her. "You shouldn't have had to deal with any of that." Logan gently touched her belly as he kissed her throat. "Now, let's talk about what we're gonna do."

She was watching the snow fall, waiting for Logan. While he was adamant about her not working, but she wasn't about to go stir-crazy in their new home. They had compromised with her doing reception work at a nearby hotel. *Ugh, ah didn't think being pregnant was gonna be this fun...* The hotel was in the third day of a week-long medical conference and she happened to be the only pregnant woman around. However, she felt good every time she got to see the baby on the monitor or hear its heartbeat. *Ah never thought ah'd be used as guinea pig for this kind of thing...* Her hand ended up resting on her belly. *Ah never thought ah'd get to be a mom either.*

"Marie, still waiting?"

"Yeah, but it's snowing." Then she winched. "Ow."

"Come sit down. There's no need to make things-"

"Dammit!" She grabbed his arm. "This isn't good." *Come on Logan, where are you?*

Jeremy took her to the empty first floor room that was rarely checked into because of the floor traffic. "Just wait here. I'll go get one of the doctors, so just stay calm."

"Yeah, go." Marie felt the warmth down her leg. "Could this day get any worse?"

Obviously, it could. There were nine OB-GYNs in her room with most of the equipment they had had in the ballroom and she was being monitored closely. She had asked several times for her phone so she could call her husband. No one seemed to hear her and it was making it increasingly difficult to focus on her labor. Then one of the doctors asked, "How are you doing?"

"Ah want mah husband or at least mah phone...how much long do you think ah have?"

"You're at eight and a half centimeters and ten minutes between contractions, so pretty soon. This is your first baby?"

"Yes, now give me mah phone." When she got her phone, she hit the speed dial and was immediately sent to voicemail. *Damn you...you'd better be on your way...* "Aah!"

"Hold on."

He was twenty minutes late, mainly due to the snow. *She's going to be so pissed at me.* Steeling himself for her anger, he walked into the lobby.

"Logan! What took you so long?" asked one of the night desk clerks that he didn't know the name of.

"It's snowing, so I...where's Marie?"

"I'm going to take you to her. She's fine-"

"What happened?" He stopped, making the younger man jerk uncomfortably. "What happened to Marie?"

"She's fine, there's over three hundred doctors and all the specialist were with her-"

"She had the baby? Where is she?" The man didn't speak again, but just led Logan to his wife. Marie was in the bed, curled up on her side. She didn't have the baby with her and he thought, *Something is very wrong.* He sat next to her, rubbing her back. "Marie?" She groped for his hand, squeezing it as a signal that she wanted to talk alone. Logan asked, then demanded that all the doctors get out of the room. When they were alone, he whispered, "It's not your fault...we couldn't-"

"Ah felt bad this morning, but ah ignored it and now..."

"You would have been all alone." He pulled her against him. *Then you both would have died.*

"His name's Jesse."

"Jesse?"

"Ah wanted him to have a name before..."

"Marie, look at me." Of all the things he couldn't get used to, her crying was one of them. "We don't know what will happen, okay?" He kissed her, then said, "Don't blame yourself."

"Hard not to...he looks like you."

He squeezed her hand, then asked, "Where'd they take him?"

"Ah don't know...ah was kinda..."

"I'll find him."

It took him nearly an hour to find and get the doctors to let him bring the boy back to his mother. The snow had gotten worse, so there was no way for them to get him to a hospital if anything further went wrong. However, the boy was still alive and his father was determined to keep him with Marie as much as he could. She was asleep when he returned to the room. As he waited for her to wake up again he kept touching his son, feeling his heartbeat, and listening to him breath. Yet all he could do was watch and wait.

Part Seven: Anniversary

She reached for the clock, groggy and concerned that she hadn't heard the alarm. *Um...nine...NINE!* "Logan!"

"It's all right, Marie," he called back.

"Mama!"

"C'mon, Jesse."

*What are those two up to?* she thought as she got dressed. Then she saw the date and once again freaked. *Shit! How could ah forget-* She hurried down the stairs to her boys. "What are you two up to?" Marie asked as she picked up her son.

"Just letting you get some rest."

"Secret," the boy whispered in her ear.

"Oh, so this has nothing to do what today is?" Marie moved close to him, her face near enough for him to kiss. "Nothing at all?"

"Everything." He kissed her and took the boy. "Living room, Jesse."

"Logan..."

"Hey, I want you get out of here for awhile, then tonight..."

She sighed and kissed him. "Yeah, tonight. You're taking Jesse?"

"I told you...get out of here." He smacked her on the bottom and pushed her towards the door. "And relax, darlin', I'm not up to anything." He laughed when she stuck out her tongue and slammed the door.

She checked on Jesse, then slipped into their bedroom. Though she spent most of the day shopping, Marie only got something that she thought he would like. "Logan," she said softly after she undressed. She gasped when she felt his cold fingers on her cheek. "You're cold!"

"I've been waiting for you..." He let his fingers trail down to her neck, then to her chest. She shuddered and pushed his hands away. "These are new."

"Ah thought you'd like them. Ah hope you're not worn out from being daddy all day."

He laughed, pulling her down. "You've kept me waiting for a long time, you know..."

"You know why...ah just want to be careful."

Logan gently caressed each spot of exposed skin, working her up as he tried to keep himself in check. Ever since Jesse was born Marie had been quite intent on not getting pregnant again anytime in the near future. He understood perfectly, but it was still hard for him to deal with all the precautions. "We're always careful...and we'll be careful tonight too." He quickly rid her of the lingerie she was wearing so he could feel as much of her as possible. It was funny how with her, more than any other woman, he always wanted to touch more or be closer. Tonight was one of those rare occasions that they both were more than willing to do so.

Logan woke up when he felt her get up, the sky still dark outside. "Marie?"

"Did ah wake you?"

"Yeah...it's early."

"Ah know...ah guess ah wanted to talk. This seemed to be our time."

He could see her face in the fading moonlight, lovely but more serious and older than he liked to see. "We're night people...what is it?"

"Ah think ah'd like to go back...if we stay here, ah'll just be scared that the same thing will happen no matter how careful we are. We won't be that lucky twice."

"Back to New York?"

"Yes..."

"You never cease to amaze me...I think you're right, though." He sat up and moved next to her. "Are you sure?"

"Ah don't want to be afraid anymore...and maybe even..." She blushed.

"I know exactly what you mean." He kissed her as he pulled her against him. "When do you want to go?"

"Soon. What about you?"

"I'm ready whenever you are."

Part Eight: What Should Never Happen

Marie was glad to be back in New York, but not so close to the Institute. Things were going better with her and Logan, even to the point where they were being more open to another child. She loved working with the children in the area and letting her son make basic connections with them. Still she felt that being so near the people that had hurt her, knowingly or not, was bound to give her trouble. Her fears were realized late one night when her phone rang. "Hello? Logan, what's wrong?"

"There's trouble here. Pete's bringing over some of the kids so they're-"

"What about you?"

He sighed. "I've got to go...give Jesse a kiss for me."

"Ah will...come back safe, okay?"

"I will, Marie. You stay safe too. I love you."

"I love you too."

They had gotten all the children settled and she was with Jesse when it happened. She knew this pain, she had felt it that night at Liberty Island. Marie held her son close, knowing he was feeling the same thing. The pain intensified, but it was her son's reaction that scared her. *Oh god, hold on Jesse. Don't...no...* Jesse's breathe became shallow, then suddenly stopped. "Jesse!" She tried to move enough to start CPR, but the pain became overbearing. Then as quickly as it began, the pain stopped. Marie quickly got her son on the floor and started trying to get him to breathe.

Pete burst into the room. "Marie, are you-"

"Call an ambulance...please."

"Yeah."

When he left, she began to cry. "Jesse, please..." She kept trying until the paramedics got there and took him away. She went into his room, pulling out a small bag to put his favorite toy and the outfit that she felt would suit him best.

"Marie, do you-"

"Ah'll call a cab. Just make sure the kids are all right." He reached out to touch her, but she jerked back. "You know where ah'm gonna be."

He arrived at the hospital, very surprised to see her sitting on a bench in front of the building. "Marie?" he asked softly.

"Hey..."

"What're you doing out here, darlin'?" Logan sat next to her, though he was anxious to see their son. "I know it's been a long day, but we should be there for him."

"We can't...they have rules against it." "The ICU?" She shook her head. "What is it?"

"Where were you? Do you have any idea what that...pain was?"

He took her hand. "A crazy man was trying to destroy every mutant on the planet, but he failed. Let's go-"

"He didn't completely fail."

He squeezed her hand. "What happened?" Logan hesitated, then said, "No, it can't-"

"Ah tried, but ah was too late...ah couldn't even move."

"Marie, don't-"

"Ah just need to...ah want to go home." She leaned against him and cried. He took her home when she finished.

"Logan?"

"Yeah?"

She touched his arm. "Are you even listening?"

"Yeah."

"One o'clock, tomorrow, Parkview. They had to change the time since..." She sighed. "Just be there."

He kissed her, then sighed. "I will."

The next morning Marie woke up alone, but she wasn't surprised. Several people had died the same day Jesse did, but she was only concerned with him. She went cemetery and waited. At one, Marie was the only person at the gravesite aside from the priest and the caretaker. She didn't stop him from speaking or getting on with the funereal when some time had passed. It hadn't occurred to her to ask him to wait, especially as she stood there alone. When the priest finished the caretaker lowered the small casket and began to cover it. No more words were spoken. Marie stood there for a long time after they both left, thinking and trying not to cry. When nearly an hour had passed, she laid the lilies against the headstone and went to leave. *Ah'm sorry ah couldn't save you Jesse...now ah have to try and save myself.*

"Marie?" He wasn't surprised that she hadn't come to Jean's memorial, but the fact that she wasn't home made him worry. "Marie, where are you?" After a cursory search of the house, Logan found a note on their bed. *What...* When he pulled out the note two rings fell onto the bed. He touched them, then returned his attention to the note.

_Logan-_

_I understand now...you will never be able to break away from them like I did, even if it costs you everything you ever wanted. I loved you, I loved Jesse, but I don't think you were ever able to love us in the same way. I can't continue like this, knowing that I will never have your heart on the way I want it. Maybe some time in the future I'll be able to face you without thinking of him, that we may be able to be friends again, but until then I hope you'll have the courtesy to leave me alone._

_Rogue_

"Dammit! How could I-" He overturned the bed and broke the mirror before he realized this would do him no good. "Sometimes it amazes me how I can be so stupid." Logan went into his son's room and laid down on the bed. He wasn't sure what he was going to do next, but he wasn't going to give up easily. It wasn't in his nature.

Part Nine: Unexpectedly Expected

She had gone into the city and gotten a job at a hotel almost immediately. It was a full time job with benefits with fairly easy work for her, but it was one of the preliminary requirements that made things very difficult for her.

"Ah feel perfectly fine, no complaints about anything," she said to the doctor as she drew some blood.

"Well, it's always better to check before something bad happens. It says here that you were prescribed some antidepressants, but you told me that-"

"Ah haven't taken them...ah've been going to counseling instead."

"I see. What was the reason you were prescribed the antidepressants?"

She hesitated, then simply stated, "Mah son died."

"Oh, I'm sorry." The doctor resumed poking and prodding her, but in silence until she asked, "When was your last menstrual cycle?"

"Oh, ah don't know...it hasn't been very regular since..."

"Lie back, I want to check something." Marie did as she was told and the doctor returned with an ultrasound machine. "This will be cold."

"Ah know." She winced at the feel of the gel on her stomach. As the doctor moved the wand over her belly, she gasped. *No, it can't be.*

"Just as I thought...you're about seven weeks pregnant."

"How is that possible? We were..."

"Careful? It can still happen. If you look right here, you can see that you should probably be preparing for twins."

*Ah can't believe it...*

"Marie?"

"Ah'm just a little in shock, but...ah'll make sure ah set up mah appointments."

"Are you sure you're all right? I can-"

"Ah'll be fine." *Ah've been through much worse. Maybe ah'll even be able to talk to Logan again.* "Otherwise, everything's okay?"

"Yes."

It had been nearly six months since he found the letter, since he realized he had thrown away one of the most important things in his life. It was also the first time he had gone to his son's grave. Logan woke up, remembering one of the last things she had said to him. _One o'clock, tomorrow, Parkview._ So he went to find the boy's grave, in the rain. He stood at a distance, more than a little surprised when he saw a strange man putting lilies on Jesse's grave. "Who are you?"

"Huh? Oh, Eric, one of the caretakers. Marie hasn't been able to get out here as often as she'd like, so she asked if I could do it when she couldn't. And you are?"

"Jesse's father."

"Oh."

Awkward silence fell between them and it was Logan who broke it. "When you see her again, tell her I'd like to talk to her."

"Sure. Do you have a number?" He gave the jumpy little man his cell number with a small amount of hesitation. "I'll make sure she gets this."

"Thanks." He stayed at the grave for a while, thinking that she wasn't very likely to call back.

His first instinct was to ignore the ringing phone, but when he looked at the time, he answered. "Hello?"

"Uh, Mr. Howlett?"

"Yeah, what's going on?"

"Your wife is in the hospital and we need you here to act as proxy for her."

"Where?" He wrote the address, verified it, then hung up. *Dammit, Marie...* Logan was at the hospital within the half hour and he was surprised at what he saw. *That explains a lot.*

"Mr. Howlett?" The doctor told him what was happening, what could happen, and asked for a decision.

"Can I see her? Just for a minute?" He was alone with her, the sounds of the machines almost unbearable, but he moved closer to her. His hand trailed over her belly, the baby kicking at the slight touch. "Marie," he said softly, close to her ear, "I know I shouldn't even be here, but I'm the only one they called. I know what you want...I just wanted you to know that I still love you."

"We need a decision."

"Okay."

He looked at the two little girls, small but healthy, and almost perfect copies of their mother. She was still in surgery, but he knew that it wasn't a good sign. He smelled the doctor before he heard him, which made him sick to his stomach, but he never took his eyes off the girls. "She's in the ICU. It'll be touch and go for a while, but things seem to be stable for now."

"What about the girls?"

"They're going to need some time here to make sure that they don't have any serious problems, but right now they appear fine."

"I need to see her." He had an idea, but if she didn't respond it would work. Of course, with as angry as he had made her Logan wasn't sure she would.

"That's not a good idea, especially-"

"I didn't have enough time to say goodbye to her before you needed to take her to surgery. If I don't do it now, I'll regret it."

The doctor sighed. "Maybe. Just let me check on something first."

"All right." He waited and when he was allowed to go in, he held his breathe. *Oh, Marie, just trust me on this.* Logan sat on the edge of the bed and leaned down next to her. "Darlin', I know that things are...I want you to do me one last favor. I need you to do one last thing: turn it back on. You know why...those girls need their mother...and I know you feel the same way. Turn it on, Marie." He clamped his hand around her wrist, waiting for that familiar pull and after a minute he felt it. Like everyone else, Logan's first instinct was to move away, but he fought against it. He had no idea how long it went on before it suddenly stopped. "Marie?"

She blinked her eyes open, then pushed his hand off her wrist. "Uh, what the hell are you doing here?"

"You should've updated your emergency contact. The girls are fine."

"Oh, ah know." She tapped the side of her head, then winced. "You went."

He touched her hand. "Yeah."

"Ah don't see how we can make this work. Ah don't trust you and ah don't want...ah can't do that to Lily and Luna."

"Lily and Luna?" He smiled, then asked, "What were you going to call them-"

"Ah knew they were girls from the start. Lily was on the right and Luna was on the left. Lily's the one that kicked you." *She's a mama's girl,* she thought with a smile. They talked a little longer, mainly small talk as they skirted their main concern, but she finally asked, "What do you want? What do you expect?" she asked wearily.

"I want to be with you and the girls. Marie, I know that this isn't the way we planned it, but I just want to try again."

A frown creased her brow, but she said, "Where? Ah already have to find a new place, since ah keep-"

"You can move in with me."

"Ah'm not going back there."

"Okay, I'll find something." He got up and a look of confusion crossed her face when he kissed her forehead. "Just give me a little time."

"Yeah." *Just tell me that ah'm not making another mistake.*

Two weeks later, they were living in a three bedroom duplex. Strangely enough, Lily and Luna wouldn't sleep in their nursery or with each other. Marie ended up with a crib and Lily in her room. Luna would never sleep in her crib, always ending up resting comfortably on her father's chest. One night, Marie came into his room when she heard Luna down the hall. "Having problems?"

The girl cried even louder, making him wince. "Yeah. She's just..."

"Here." She took the younger of her twins, who immediately stopped crying. "Stubborn?"

"She's definitely your daughter." He received a smack from her, then took Luna back. The girl sighed and quickly fell asleep. *She's definitely our child, especially the way that she just did that.* "Sorry if she was keeping you awake."

"No. Lily usually wakes up around now." As if on cue, the older twin started to cry. "Duty calls."

"Want me to help?"

She laughed. "You have your hands full, but thanks."

"You and your sister are in cahoots, are you?" He managed to get Luna in the sling carrier without waking her, then went to help with Lily. He stood outside the door and heard Marie give out a sound of frustration. "Having trouble?" he asked.

"Don't you start. Take her."

"Okay." The girl reacted the same way as her sister. "These two..."

"Ah think that maybe we need to rethink some things..."

"Um." Lily began to snore and he placed her in her crib. After a moment of watching her, Logan put Luna beside her.

"Hey." She wrapped an arm around his waist. "Ah don't want to do this anymore...ah can't stand being so close to you, but not being with you. It's too much like-"

"Like when you couldn't control your powers."

"Yeah...Logan?"

"Yes, Marie?"

"Do you ever regret this?"

He pulled her tightly to him. "Not regret...I just think things would have worked out better if we had taken things slower."

"But we can't go back...we can only move forward." Marie kissed him, then pushed herself away. "So, what do you think?"

"I think you're smarter than you let anyone know...especially me."

She laughed, "Flattery will get you nowhere...c'mon." She held out a hand to him. "If you leave, they'll just fuss, so..."

"Alright." All four slept more peacefully than they had since they moved in and the night seemed to go by too fast.

Part Ten: Saying Goodbye

She hadn't been to her counseling group for nearly five months, before her pregnancy really began to show. It seemed wrong to her to be there, to be able to have a chance to move on when so many of the others weren't able to. "Marie? It's been-"

"Nearly five months."

"We thought something had happened to you...that maybe..."

"No, it was just...actually, ah just want to tell the group." She went and sat down, waiting for her opportunity to speak. Marie thought about how she came to be a part of the group. After Jesse's funeral she hadn't been sleeping much and when she did it was about him dying. She talked to a doctor who was convinced it was depression, then prescribed her pills. While walking back to her apartment with her prescription, she stopped at the church she had frequently passed by. It was there she saw the advertisements for the meetings. Marie went in the next day and though it was a terrible experience she felt understood. She was thankful she had found this group, especially when she found out she was pregnant.

"Thank you, Harold. I understand that Marie has something she would like to say to the group. Are you ready?"

"Yes. Thank you." She stood up and went over to the podium. *You can do this...think about everything that's happened.* She took in a deep breath. "Ah started coming here nearly seven months ago and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Mah son had died less than two weeks earlier and ah wasn't dealing with it well. Ah was starting to be treated for depression when ah found this place. While ah was here, while we were are dealing with so many losses...ah found out that ah was pregnant. Ah felt like it would have been a slap in the face of everyone here to stay when..." *Dammit,* she thought as tears started to roll down her cheeks. "Ah just didn't want to hurt anyone." Marie quickly left, bursting out into the bright light and fresh air. *Ah feel like an idiot.*

"Marie!"

"What...you didn't have to come."

Logan leaned over and kissed her. "I wanted to be here." Lily squeaked from the stroller. "So did they." Luna snored softly from the pouch on her father's chest.

"Well, ah'm glad you came. Let's go home."

She rested her head on his chest, listening to the sounds of him. Marie jerked a little when he touched her hair. "It's alright, darlin'."

"Sorry...it just makes me think about..."

"Yeah."

After a moment of silence, she softly spoke. "Do you know why ah asked you if you regretted this?"

"No."

"Ah wanted you to say 'yes'...ah wanted us both to feel the same way."

He sighed. "I never felt that way...I don't think I ever will."

"Ah know...and ah just don't understand why ah feel this way."

"You're young...you shouldn't have had to go through this much so soon. Marie," he breathed softly. "Whatever happens, just remember the good times and use the bad times to make the future better."

"Okay..." She kissed him, then returned to resting her head on his chest, waiting for sleep to claim her.

Part Eleven: All We See or Seem

Marie opened her eyes, then quickly shut them. She had a major headache, groaning internally, *Whiskey isn't mah thing.* When she was quiet again she heard the soft sound of breathing coming from beneath her. *Oh shit.*

"Morning, Marie," Logan said softly as he tousled her hair.

"Logan, what...happened?"

"You drank nearly a full bottle of whiskey last night." *And you started getting frisky,* he added mentally. "Don't you remember?"

"If ah did, ah wouldn't be asking."

He laughed, "You fell asleep. When I tried to leave, you wouldn't let me, so I slept here too."

Still, she blushed a little as she sat up. "Ah had the weirdest dream."

"Yeah? What was it about?"

She furrowed her brow. "Ah'm not sure about most of it. It was strange because it started sort of like this..." *But we're fully dressed this time_,*_ she thought a little sadly. "Ah guess it was nothing."

"Alright." Logan sat up next to her, then pulled her in for a kiss.

It surprised her a little, but remind her of her dream. *Ah wish we could just..* "Logan?"

"Yeah?"

"This is gonna be hard to explain."

"We don't have to explain anything." She gave a half-hearted smile. He leaned close to her and whispered, "All we have to do is let things go naturally, okay?"

"Yeah." She touched his chest lightly, trying to assure herself that this was real. "Ah think so too."

He got up, running his hand up the length of her arm. "I'll stay if you want, but-"

"No, not now." Marie smiled and looked up at him. "Tonight?"

"As long as you stay away from the liquor."

"Ah'd promise, but ah don't wanna lie." She stole a quick kiss then pushed him out the door.

He quietly moved down the hallway, lost in his thoughts. Though he couldn't be certain, he thought that they had somehow had the same dream. After everything that had happened-to them and everyone else-Logan deemed that it was quite possible. It made him think ahead, to plan for the things that he thought were worth finding. While he was willing to leave most things to chance, there was one date he recorded, selfishly for his own desires. He spent the rest of the day isolated, except when he rejoined Marie for bed.


End file.
